Mindful Parenting
What is Mindful Parenting?
Mindful Parenting is the art of being well with whatever is going on in the moment. This contrasts with not being well or struggling to change things, or avoiding dealing with pain or discomfort. It is focusing your attention on what you are feeling in the moment and nonjudgmental awareness.
The goal for a mindful parent is to observe when you are not calm and centered and then bring yourself back to the center—to manage your own emotions and behaviors so that you can help your children do the same.
Before we start trying to teach our children how to cope with anger, stress, and difficult problems or situations, we need to be sure that we are able to cope with our own anger, stress, etc. We can do this by bringing our conscious attention to the present moment instead of letting our emotions control us.
When parents lose their cool, it can be really scary for a child. So, modeling our children healthy ways to deal with stress is of the utmost importance.
How Does it Work?
According to Kristen Race, Ph.D., there are three key factors to Mindful Parenting:
1. Notice your own feelings when you are in conflict with your child
• What feelings are coming up? (Anger? Shame? Embarrassment?)
• Try to experience your emotions like a wave coming and going
• Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes and see it from their point of view
• If you can’t see the goodness in your child during a difficult situation, think of a time when you felt connected to them
2. Learn to pause before responding in anger
• Focus on your breath and your body
• Emotions reveal themselves in the changes in our breath and our body
Slowing down and focusing on this causes a physiological change in our body that decreases our reflexive responses and increases our ability to make decisions, focus, reason, and problem-solve.
This pause allows us time to bring our thoughts back to the here and now, and then we can respond in a helpful way instead of getting out of control.
3. Listen carefully to your child's viewpoint, even when disagreeing with it
• Kids will be kids!
• Children’s brains are still developing, and they aren’t always able to manage their feelings and emotions
• Kids haven’t perfected their ability to self-regulate
• They see things differently than you and have completely different priorities
What are the Benefits of Mindful Parenting?
• Becoming more aware of your feelings and thoughts
• Becoming more aware and responsive to your child’s needs, thoughts, and feelings
• Getting better at regulating your own emotions
• Being less critical of self and child
• Getting better at avoiding impulsive reactions
• Improved parent-child relationship
Mindful parenting focuses more on teaching calming strategies, helping children learn to control their attention, and developing compassion. The ABCs of mindful parenting are Attention, Balance, and Compassion.
Parenting in this way is about helping children pay attention to skills such as:
• Balance: managing their emotions so they do not get out of control
• Resilience: bouncing back when problems arise
• Insight: looking within themselves to understand the self, making good decisions, and being more in control
• Empathy: understanding the perspectives of others and caring enough to take action to make things better for others.
Remember, to be mindful is to accept the things you cannot change. It’s not acquiescence with the situation, but rather change what you can but understand and accept the difference between what you can and cannot change. This doesn’t mean that you don’t get angry or frustrated, but rather notice what you are feeling, remain calm, and allow yourself to relax into the best possible response.
Note: Many years of research in brain development and neuroscience support Mindfulness, Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS), and Conscious Discipline. Older behavioral approaches did not have the benefit of this research.