Self
The Self
We are captivated by movies and stories about people such as Anakin Skywalker, Frodo Baggins, and Harry Potter, but what do they all share? They are all tales of a Hero’s Journey. We, too, can look at our lives through that same lens.
We have started on a quest that we call life. We face different obstacles and challenges along the way. It is a marathon, not a sprint, and we do not know if we are in the middle or near the end. Like training for a marathon, you have to train for life. We encounter many different people, some more enjoyable than others. We learn valuable skills and fail sometimes, but we learn from those mistakes. The difference between us and someone from Star Wars or Lord of the Rings is that we do this every day, with no script. We might not be saving the universe, but we are all doing our best and trying to save ourselves in the grand scheme of life.
Anakin Skywalker, Frodo Baggins, and Harry Potter all had flaws but also strengths in their lives. Their journeys forced them to face the reality of their flaws. For example, many Star Wars fans might agree that Anakin Skywalker's weakness is that his anger controls him. So, for him, his flaw was difficulty managing emotions. Our journey also forces us to face this reality: we are all flawed, but we also have amazing strengths if we can tap into them.
This website is set up to help you face the reality of your strengths and weaknesses without judging yourself. Accepting and being okay with our imperfections helps us let go of negative self-talk and focus more on our strengths. We do not always understand how thoughts lead to different emotions and how these can lead to helpful and unhelpful behaviors. But when we become aware of these connections, we can focus our attention and intention on positive traits in ourselves, in others, and in the world. As in the Hero's Journey, we encounter people and form connections along the way. Those people can help or hurt us, but we get to choose who we listen to and how we respond. Our physical and emotional health stands in the balance. These are the challenges of life. Train well.
Loving Yourself
Establishing a strong connection with yourself is essential for self-awareness and personal growth. Caring for yourself strengthens your connections with your emotions, values, and desires, improving decision-making and resilience. These connections enhance self-acceptance and confidence, ultimately paving the way for healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life experience.
People have different priorities regarding self, family, God, and country, not to mention money, power, fame, independence, etc. So, where do you put yourself in your continuum of priorities? What is most important to you?
Many argue that it is through selflessness that one can find greater meaning and purpose, and that your top priority should be spiritual: your connection with God, the universe, or whatever you conceive of as greater powers. If so, it stands to reason that you should not prioritize anything or anyone above yourself because that thing or person you put above yourself would always be placed between you and the higher power you are trying to understand and follow. Valuing another thing or person above yourself could contaminate your connection with God and throw you out of synchrony with the higher powers of the creation. According to this logic, you might love someone as much as you love yourself and do for them as much as for yourself, but does it work to love people or things more than yourself or to expect others to love you more than themselves?
This does not suggest that you put yourself ahead of your children or anyone who needs your help; it goes back to selflessness and understanding your role in the greater scheme of things. Being a loving parent, son, or daughter is being your best self, living responsibly, and being tuned in to the higher powers of the universe. Loving yourself allows you to love others, and sometimes, their needs are greater than yours; this is your choice, and it defines your values. We are also not talking about narcissism, which feeds the ego. Love for self that recognizes a higher authority reduces the need for ego and leads to selflessness. Love for self that does not accept some level of authority can only lead to narcissism and psychopathy.
Many people struggle with these questions, which significantly impact how we live. These are challenging questions, and we are interested in alternative opinions.
Most would agree that working out a meaningful relationship with the powers of the universe is crucial, whatever you conceive this to mean. If you accept God as your priority and cultivate a strong connection, you can come to believe that God or the universe loves you and that you are living in congruence with universal rules. Imagine how this might feel. Living this way allows you to love yourself, understand that you are not alone, and know that life is not all about you. This enables you to accept your limitations, come under authority, and strive to live in congruence with nature and in harmony with the creation — a place where your spirit can grow.
Working out a strong connection and belief about God and the nature of the universe helps you achieve a life of meaning and purpose. This connection may be the foundation of a well-defined operating system. Focusing affection on ourselves can sound selfish, but the principle to take away is learning to love ourselves. The purpose of this is to be able to love others. You can’t give what you don’t have or teach what you don’t know.
Self-Compassion: Letting Go of the Need For Perfection
Connecting with yourself in a healthy way requires self-compassion or letting go of “The Need For Perfection”. Dr. Kristin Neff is widely known for her work in the field of self-compassion. She describes the core components of self-compassion as:
Being Kind to Ourselves
Recognition of the shared human experience (the interconnected nature of our lives)
·Mindfulness
When you make a mistake, there is no need to make excuses, feel bad, or beat yourself up internally. Harsh criticism toward oneself or others will only reduce happiness and motivation. This is not to condone meritocracy, but experience teaches us that acceptance of humanity and compassion for self and others is much more helpful than critical self-talk.
Of course, we always strive to be our best selves, and self-compassion is not a mental trick that lets us off the hook or excuses us when we don't do the work. Mistakes usually happen because we don’t think things through, we forget, we get distracted, or we get caught up in some ridiculous rumination. Most mistakes are due to our imperfect nature, not a lack of effort or desire.
It is okay to say we are human and allow ourselves to make mistakes, and understand that not all of our one hundred or so billion brain cells (neurons) do their job perfectly every day; a few million of them might get out of line occasionally, but this is only a small part of who we really are.
Self -Compassion helps us accept our humanity. When we develop self-compassion, we can love ourselves, remain calm, and not react impulsively or defensively when we make mistakes, are challenged, or do not feel loved by others. Being kind to yourself is treating yourself like you would a good friend or loved one.
Self-Compassion and Change
Take care of yourself in a fun way that will replenish you and make you feel happier and healthier for the rest of your life. Making a specific action plan dramatically increases your chance of following through.
Creating a new habit or routine can take tremendous energy and focus, and we have only so much self-control in a given day to work with. When we rest throughout the day, we can work much longer without the quality of our work or our focus suffering. It is better to succeed at just one small thing at a time than to fail at bigger things or many things at once. Almost everyone can pull off a brilliant couple of days or weeks, but life is a marathon.
Start with something straightforward. You could do it every day with barely a thought. Think about meditating for only one minute, or replacing one unhealthy snack with pre-packaged carrots and hummus. Remember, this is about initiating the neural pathway in a way that doesn’t create resistance—you’ll be able to expand your habit later. Write about the slightly better-than-nothing habit you want to develop.
An anchor or a prompt for change can be a time of day, a different habitual behavior that comes right before your habit (such as a routine that precedes it), or even an emotion. For example, you may habitually bite your nails when you feel anxious. Or, if you're feeling happy, you may reach for your phone to take a picture. Emotions or thoughts often trigger behaviors.
If you have a habit that you want to eliminate, choose a trigger that occurs only when you want to do the habit. For example, a thirty-minute yoga video twice weekly isn't a habit. It's a to-do item for your task list because there's no clear trigger. But if you work only three days a week, you can use work as your trigger:” a thirty-minute yoga video every weekday as soon as you walk in the door from dropping the kids off at school.”
Make a specific plan for what you will do when challenges arise because they will. If you wake up to find that it's raining, pre-decide that you’ll wear your blue rain jacket and take that huge golf umbrella your dad left in the closet. Structure your environment to support your decision. Put your work shoes deep in your backpack and your walking shoes by the door.
Relish the positive emotions that your new habit elicits. Be intentional about them, or “take in the good”, as Rick Hanson would say. For example, I tend to feel happiest on my walks when I consciously look up at the trees (rather than down at the trail, as I am inclined). When I look up at the trees, I tend to feel a warm, relaxing sense of awe spread over me.
Ation Steps for Connecting with Self:
Say “I Love You” to yourself every morning. If you can’t say I love you, think about why you can’t say it and try to say something nice to yourself. Be warm and supportive to help you feel more motivated to make needed improvements.
Accept Imperfection: You are human, so tell yourself it is okay not to be perfect and forgive yourself for your flaws and past mistakes. When you make a mistake, talk to yourself like a good friend (someone you really care about). Say, “I made a mistake; I will try harder.”
Set Boundaries: Learn to say no to things that drain your energy or don’t align with your values. Establishing healthy boundaries protects your time and energy, allowing you to focus on yourself.
Engage in Self-Care: Prioritize activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Try exercise, healthy eating, reading, or spending time in nature.
Make time for relaxation or hobbies you love. Creative activities such as painting, music, or writing can help you tap into your emotions.
Practice Positive Self-Talk: Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Encourage yourself as you would a friend, focusing on your strengths and accomplishments. Try to see the good others see in you.
Spend time in nature to recharge and connect with your surroundings. Nature can provide clarity and peace of mind.
Establish daily Intentions that are realistic and achievable. Break your intentions down into manageable steps and celebrate your progress along the way. Think about your values, and what truly matters to you.
Practice periods of silence to recharge and reflect. Solitude can help you better understand your inner thoughts and feelings.
Explore New Interests: Step out of your comfort zone by trying new activities or hobbies. Discovering new passions can boost your confidence and self-awareness.
Limit Social Media: Take breaks from social media to reduce comparison and negativity. Focus on real-life connections and your personal journey instead.
Develop Mindfulness skills like meditation, deep breathing, or yoga to stay present and grounded in the present moment. Spend a few minutes daily focusing on your breath or observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Young Adults
Navigating Young Adulthood
Living on your own:
To be successful living on your own, you need to make a realistic plan, learn to forgive yourself as you make mistakes, and not isolate yourself from others (We are social creatures. Take time to connect with others, if only for brief periods.), follow a well-planned, consistent routine that includes a quality sleep schedule, and take time to be grateful each day for at least three things. Make a daily plan for your meals, hydration, and exercise routine.
Resiliency:
Resiliency at this stage of your life is essential. Young adults have new experiences, opportunities, and sometimes setbacks; you are constantly learning new things. You will navigate these experiences better and grow faster if you work on resiliency. Learning and practicing resilient life habits will help you overcome your difficulties. Be patient with yourself as you work to gain the skills you need to succeed in this world. You may experience several rejections before you find the connections that are best for you. It helps build resilience, so put yourself out there often. The more you do it, the less the rejections will bother you. It’s part of life. It will help you learn how to navigate people better and enable you to figure out what you want and don’t want. The resiliency deficit is also expected in the workplace. Young employees often do not receive criticism well, which affects their work performance and the overall work environment. Employers sometimes hand-hold employees rather than focusing on customers and the business.
COLLEGE STUDENTS
Self-advocating:
Learn to advocate for yourself. Learn your weaknesses and work with your teachers, classmates, coworkers, etc., to utilize your strengths. Don’t be shy if you need to move to the front seat. If you need help understanding a subject or working on a lab project, ask if others want to form a study group or see if you can join a group that has already started working together. On day one, please introduce yourself to your teachers and schedule a meeting with them. Work for your future. It would be best if you did the uncomfortable things to get what you need to succeed. The more you do it, the better you will get at it. It is sometimes complicated for shy or introverted personalities to master this skill, but it is necessary to ensure your success. Advocating for yourself is vital to ensure the comforts of daily living, such as reporting a leak or other housing issues and working to address the problem. Address all matters quickly and stick with it until you get them resolved. Take that first step forward and keep going. You will get the hang of it.
Setting the stage for success:
The first day you are on your own is exciting and terrifying. You have what you learned from your parents, and now you must develop your own rules to live by and learn how to navigate your new freedom.
Plan your next several days once you have settled in your “new” home. Whether you start classes soon or prepare to head to work, planning out your days will give you a lot of security.
Plan your day:
-Set a time to wake up that gives you plenty of time to prepare.
-Prepare and eat a good breakfast, pack snacks/lunch.
-Make sure you have all the necessary supplies, books, etc.
-If you will drive, then plan for traffic and have plenty of gas.
-Know what your day will look like (Write down everything scheduled for the day and everything you need to do and put it on a timeline. You don’t have to stick to it, but it will help you navigate your day better.)
Connect with others:
Make time to introduce yourself to people and your teachers or fellow employees. When a friend group welcomes you, join them if it feels right. It will connect you with folks until you find your best group. Don’t worry if you don’t locate a group immediately. Keep putting yourself out there, and you will find a welcoming group.
Learn how to take rejection well:
You may experience several rejections before you find the connections that are best for you. It helps build resilience, so put yourself out there often. The more you do it, the less the rejections will bother you. It’s part of life. It will help you learn how to navigate people better and enable you to figure out what you want and don’t want.
Join a club or get involved in some way in your community:
Involvement helps you acclimate to your new environment so much better and smoother. Find out what groups are available in your area that interest you or you think might interest you. Try it out. Don’t wait, don’t think about it, do it. If it’s not for you, check that one off and try another. Keep trying until you find a group that connects with you.
Daily upkeep:
Stay on top of your class notes, schoolwork, and projects daily. Do not procrastinate. It causes unnecessary stress. You’re just scared of the unknown. Focus on getting one task done; when you complete it, you will feel better and work harder to complete your other tasks. If you don’t understand something, most schools offer free tutoring services, writing labs, etc. Ask around and google it on your school’s website. Don’t delay. If you don’t understand something and have tried to understand it, get help immediately. It will help you avoid unnecessary stress. Use the help as much as you need until you feel confident you are good.
Meet your teacher:
Find out when your teachers have office hours and go to them. You won’t have the same opportunities to get to know your teachers as you have in the past. You have to do the work to get to know them and let them get to know you. You do this by meeting with them regularly. You’re helping greatly with communication on both sides. Ensure you understand the class information the way the teacher wants you to. You want them to know you, know you are a serious student, and that you respect them.
Volunteering:
Once you have a good handle on your classes and your daily schedule, start looking into ways you might volunteer somewhere in the career you think you want. Volunteering is important. Choose somewhere that works well with your schedule and doesn’t demand too much time. If you do not have time during the school semester, plan to volunteer when school is out. Volunteering in the field you are considering is one of the most important things you can do. You will learn very quickly whether this might be the career for you or whether it sounded better on paper than in reality. It helps you understand yourself better and your likes and dislikes. If it’s not for you, then that is an answer, and you should try another career option that interests you. If you are unsure, most schools offer a career center that can test you for the best careers. Once you have that information, volunteer at the top picks the test shows for you. Consider what lifestyle you want, not what social media says is the way to live. What realistically can you be satisfied with? Be sure that the career you choose will provide an income that is acceptable for you. Preparing for the lower end of the salary range is best, so your expectations are reasonable.
Planning for the next step:
If you are considering going on to professional school, make sure you start to research places that offer the program you want. Research deadlines for applying and what tests and other requirements are needed. Do this early, around your sophomore year or sooner. Once you have armed yourself with all the information you need, create a plan with a timeline of when to begin studying for entrance tests, when to take them, and when to apply to the program you have chosen. Meet with your school advisor, make sure that you are set to graduate on time to apply to your program, and stay on track with your plan. Advisors are there to help you and guide you throughout your time at college and planning for your next step. They have the knowledge you need, provide guidance for your time in undergraduate school, and help you prepare for after graduation. Meet with them every semester.
What to expect in the first year:
As you transition towards adulthood and independence, you will probably go through some usual stages. These are normal, so don’t be too worried. It’s part of the process. Below are lists of behaviors you should watch for and seek help if you find yourself experiencing them.
ENTERING THE WORKFORCE
Self-advocating:
Advocate for yourself. Work with your coworkers to utilize your strengths and work on your weaknesses. If you learn better with hands-on experience, communicate that to your employer. If you can learn more efficiently by reading the information, say that, too. If you need help understanding a subject or learning a particular skill, ask others how they do it and keep asking until you find someone who explains it in a way that makes sense. Day one, introduce yourself to your coworkers and others you see regularly. In today’s workplace, you may not have the same opportunities to get to know new people as you did in the past. Do the work to get to know them and let them get to know you; for example, meet with them at lunch or after hours. Doing uncomfortable things like this helps create a healthy environment for yourself and others around you. Shy or introverted personalities often struggle to jump into social situations. Interacting with others is necessary for daily living. You may need to report a leak or other issue concerning your housing and then work with others to solve the problem. You should address and resolve any issues that arise quickly. With practice, you will get the hang of it.
Setting the stage for success:
The first day you are on your own is exciting and terrifying. You have what you learned from your parents, and now you must develop your own unique rules to live by. You will learn how to navigate the new freedoms you have, which you may not fully understand.
Once you have your “new” home settled, plan your next several days. Whether you start classes soon or prepare to head to work, planning out your days will give you a lot of security.
Plan your day:
-Set a time to wake up that gives you plenty of time to prepare.
-Prepare and eat a good breakfast, and pack snacks/lunch.
-Make sure you have all the necessary supplies, books, etc.
-If you will drive, then plan for traffic and have plenty of gas.
-Know what your day will look like (Write down everything scheduled for the day and everything you need to do and put it on a timeline. You don’t have to stick to it, but it will help you navigate your day better.)
Connect with others:
Introduce yourself to people and fellow employees. When a friend group welcomes you, join them if it feels right. This will help connect you with folks until you find the best group. Keep putting yourself out there, and you will find a welcoming group.
Learn how to take rejection well:
You will sometimes have several rejections to get the connection you want, so it’s worth it. Also, it helps build resilience, so put yourself out there often. The more you do it, work to make the rejection bother you less. It’s part of life, and you learn from it how to navigate people better. It helps you figure out what you want and what you don’t want.
Join a club or get involved in some way in your community:
You acclimate to your new environment much better and smoother when interacting in your community. Don’t wait, don’t think about it, do it. Look for groups in the area that interest you. Go to your local community center, check on social media, or google your area of interest and note your town. If there is nothing there, then consider starting your program. You can create a group on social media, post it to local group pages, and set up a meeting in a public place with lots of folks around so you and potential members will feel safe coming.
Daily upkeep:
Stay on top of your daily duties at work and home. If you keep a daily routine, it will help you not procrastinate and have work piled up. If you catch yourself getting behind, forgive yourself and start with one thing. Focus on getting one task done; when you complete it, you will feel better and work better to get through your other tasks.
Volunteering:
Take time to volunteer in your community. It can be for one hour a week or more. Volunteering helps connect you with others and think outside of yourself, provides a sense of purpose, and improves overall happiness.
Self-assess:
Throughout the year, take a moment and ensure you maintain the good habits you have created. If you allow any slip, forgive yourself and work to get back on track.
Planning for the next step:
Whether at work or home, plan out your next step. If you want to work towards a promotion, find out what steps are needed to make that happen and inform your employers of your intentions so they can help guide you to your success. If you want to work on improvements to your home or work towards purchasing a home, plan how to make that dream a reality. Whatever you want for yourself, creating a realistic plan is the best way to ensure your success.
Dating:
People approach dating in different ways. Some folks aren’t interested in dating, and that’s okay too. Some folks need to focus on school, work, or both and don’t have time to date during this period, but that’s fine. Do what works for you. For some, dating comes naturally, and they navigate it with ease. For many, it does not come naturally, and they are frustrated with how easy it is for “everyone else”. If this is something you want, then you first need to figure out your purpose for dating and what you are seeking to get out of it. It would be best if you also got to know yourself first and work on anything about yourself you are unhappy with or feel needs improvement. If you think your thoughts are often negative, or your time management needs work, etc., take time to improve these traits so you are more comfortable with yourself and happier with who you are. When you align these things, you give your best self in dating, which is the best way to set yourself up for success. Don’t go looking for someone to mend you. That is asking too much of the other person, and you are the best person to help you.
Make sure you learn good safety tips for dating (below are a few tips):
-Meet in public places such as a coffee shop or restaurant.
-Tell a friend who you are meeting and where. (Perhaps leave your location services on
for them.)
-Have your own transportation.
-Stay sober and never leave your drink unattended.
-Take a self-defense class.
Understanding your parent(s) role with you now:
Now that you have left home, your parent(s) role has changed with you. They will take a step back so you can grow and become self-sufficient. They are there if you need them for advice or emergencies. Lean on them as needed, but try to do as much as possible for yourself. Doing this will help build your confidence and navigate life better. Having someone you trust to share your fears with becomes invaluable, and you’ll find yourself talking to them more than ever as you adjust. As you gain confidence, you will need less support. Know that your parents are your biggest cheerleaders and want you to succeed, so any advice they offer is to help you the best way they know how.
10% Happier
Dan Harris is a retired American journalist for ABC News. He was an anchor for Nightline and co-anchor of the weekend edition of Good Morning America. In 2004, Dan had a panic attack on live television with over five million people watching. He pulled himself together to salvage his career, and in the years following this embarrassing moment, he learned how to manage his anxiety. He went on to write 10% Happier and Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics, and started the highly popular, 10% Happier app.
“The Science of Character”
Character development or training provides a platform for success in life. Dr. Martin Seligman and Dr. Christopher Peterson, authors of Character Strengths and Virtues, developed a list of 24 twenty-four strengths of character derived from a comprehensive analysis of the character strengths most revered throughout modern history. The strengths are presented along with the Character Strengths Test, which identifies a person’s top five strengths. The exploration of strengths can focus attention on our positive qualities. These strengths are arranged around six core virtues and are summarized below.
Wisdom and Knowledge
1) Curiosity/ Interest in the World
2) Love of Learning
3) Judgment/Critical Thinking/ Open-Mindedness
4) Ingenuity/Originality/Practical Intelligence/ Street Smarts
5) Social Intelligence/Personal Intelligence/Emotional Intelligence
6) Perspective
Courage
7) Valor and Bravery
8) Perseverance/ Industry/Diligence
9) Integrity/ Genuineness/ Honesty
Love and Humanity
10) Kindness and Generosity
11) Loving and Allowing Oneself to be Loved
Justice
12) Citizenship/Duty/Teamwork/Loyalty
13) Fairness and Equity
14) Leadership
Temperance
15) Self-control
16) Prudence/Discretion/Caution
17) Humility and Modesty
Spirituality and Transcendence
18) Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence
19) Gratitude
20) Hope/Optimism/Future-mindedness
21) Spirituality/Sense of Purpose/Faith/Religiousness
22) Forgiveness and Mercy
23) Playfulness and Humor
24) Zest/Passion/Enthusiasm
The (VIA) Values In Action Character Strengths Survey is a free self-assessment that takes less than 15 minutes and helps you find your strengths. <https://www.viacharacter.
Kristen Neff: Self-Compassion
Martin Seligman and Christopher Peterson: Character Strengths and Virtues
Dan Harris, 10% Happier Dan Harris and Jeff Warren, Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics,