The Challenge of Desire and the Role of Self-Control

Controlling desires and cravings is a significant challenge, particularly for children. This difficulty is entirely normal and can even play a positive role by motivating growth and encouraging future achievements. However, while desires can be beneficial, it is crucial for children to develop self-control to function successfully within society.

Understanding the biological basis of control and desire helps parents support their children. Dopamine, a chemical messenger, is key to forming neural connections that influence personality and behavior. The desire circuit drives creativity, motivation, and the pursuit of wants, while the control circuit is associated with self-discipline, logic, and reason. These circuits must be balanced for healthy development, and parents play a crucial role in fostering this balance.

The Desire Within, A Five-Session Video Series: Session 1

The Desire Within: Session 2

The Desire Within: Session 3

Supporting the Development of the Control Pathway in Children

How Can We Help Children Develop or Strengthen the Control Pathway?

Children are not born with control skills; rather, they possess the potential to develop them over time.

Understanding Executive Skills

The abilities connected to the control circuit are often referred to as “Executive Skills.” These include a wide range of competencies such as attention, planning, organizing, time management, flexibility, perseverance, metacognitive skills (the ability to think about one’s own thinking), and social-emotional intelligence. Executive skills are essential for healthy development, and they are refined and improved gradually over many years.

Developmental Variability and Individual Needs

While most children develop executive skills according to typical patterns, some experience delays, and these abilities may emerge later than in their peers. Each skill follows its own developmental path, leading to significant variability across children. When children face developmental delays, environmental challenges such as trauma or adverse childhood experiences, or multiple areas of difficulty, they may struggle to keep pace with others. In these cases, it is important to adjust expectations and provide tailored support to help the child function well and, ideally, make progress toward catching up.

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The Desire Within Session 4

Rewards or consequences will not automatically strengthen the control circuit. Consequences are helpful; they teach children about boundaries, which will keep them safe, and consequences might also increase motivation to develop more control. However, strengthening the control circuit takes more than appropriate consequences for behaviors. Rewards strengthen healthy behaviors, but developing control skills requires spending time with children and teaching them patience, self-regulation, organization, noticing how other kids are reacting to them or when they are off track, and not giving up when life becomes difficult. This is accomplished, in part, by instruction and guidance, but also by modeling and shaping the skills you want your child to develop.

It is equally important that parents work on controlling their desires and wants and demonstrate this control at the adult level. When children have a close bond with their parents and observe these behaviors in them, they will typically follow suit.

Some children will need more support than others. The control circuits are not fully developed physically until the mid-20s (but this varies greatly). The skills associated with these pathways continue to strengthen throughout life, and some people never develop a healthy balance between control and desire. It is important to be patient with children because these desire-or-pleasure circuits come online earlier and are more powerful than executive skills (the brain develops from the bottom up). Desire develops naturally, whereas executive skills must be learned through experience.

Developing Executive Skills and Self-Control in Children

Executive skills—such as attention, planning, organization, time management, flexibility, perseverance, metacognition, and social-emotional intelligence—do not emerge overnight. Instead, these abilities develop gradually throughout childhood and adolescence. It's important to recognize that not all children acquire these skills at the same rate. For many children, mastering executive skills requires breaking them down into smaller, manageable sub-skills, which can then be taught and reinforced individually to support the child’s progress.

Role of Academic and Daily Activities

Academic skills such as reading, writing, and arithmetic play a crucial role in establishing the brain’s control circuits, as they involve the practice and integration of a range of sub-skills. In addition to academics, self-help and self-care routines are essential for building independence and responsibility. Participation in athletic activities also contributes significantly, as these pursuits foster balance, coordination, teamwork, and self-discipline. Approaches that specifically target and improve attention are particularly effective in strengthening a child’s self-control circuits.

It is natural for children to be driven by desires and impulses; until their control skills are fully developed, they may be challenging for parents and caregivers to manage. Rather than placing blame on the child for struggling to manage their desires, it is important that parents reflect on their own role in modeling and explicitly teaching these executive skills.

Practical Support Strategies for Parents

To better support children, parents can break executive skills down into their component behaviors and identify specific skill sets to nurture and strengthen. The following section will take a closer look at what some of these component skills might look like during childhood.

The Desire Within: Session 5

Attention:

Slow down when you are going too fast. (self-control)

Stop and think about what lies ahead rather than reacting impulsively.

Listen and sustain attention.

Sustaining independent work.

Organization:

Clean up and put things away and in their place

Keeping toys and possessions organized

Take care of your things

Planning:

Painting, drawing, writing, coloring, or creative arts all involve planning

Thinking ahead about needed materials, timing, sequencing, finalizing, and displaying

Making a list to help remember things to get or do

Time Management:

Getting up and dressed on time

Stopping games when requested, time limit on screen activities

Getting to bed on time

Waking up on time

Waiting for your turn

Flexibility:

Playing cooperatively/sharing with others

Accept your flaws

Apologize when mistaken

Being a good sport when you lose a game or something of value

Perseverance:

Finishing what you start

Doing things alone on your own or without assistance

Not giving up – developing a growth mindset

Ability to delay gratification

Saving for the future

Taking care of pets, flowers, or plants

Metacognitive Skills:

Thinking about what you are saying or doing

Telling the truth (awareness of dishonesty)

Awareness/noticing/expressing your emotions

Awareness, noticing, thinking about, or helping others

Social Emotional Intelligence:

Manage emotions and stress

Calm down, breathe, and check yourself when upset

Empathize with others:

Kindness/helping others

Sharing your things with others

Helping someone out

Everyday Strategies to Strengthen Executive Skills

Executive skills can be strengthened through simple, everyday activities. Playing games that require taking turns helps children practice patience and self-control. Working on puzzles encourages focus and problem-solving. Activities such as saying a prayer before a meal—pausing and waiting until it is time to eat—or doing small acts of kindness for others also provide valuable opportunities for children to develop these essential skills.

Intentional Parental Support for Building Self-Control

Parents play a vital role in deliberately introducing and reinforcing behaviors that foster greater self-control in their children. They can offer limited choices, such as letting children select between two acceptable options, helping them experience a sense of control within safe boundaries. By explaining the potential consequences of different actions—without condemning—the parent can guide thoughtful decision-making. Reviewing the pros and cons of choices, assigning age-appropriate jobs and responsibilities, and allowing children to make reasonable decisions further promote self-sufficiency and independence.

Creating Opportunities to Practice and Reinforce Skills

Parents can create situations that encourage children to think before reacting, spend time alone, or solve problems independently rather than always relying on adult help. Encouraging children to be content at home and guiding them to pause, slow down, reflect, and collect themselves helps build resilience. When parents prompt these behaviors and provide social praise and positive reinforcement, children’s executive skills are further strengthened. However, it is important to remember that children often need explicit guidance to understand which behaviors are valuable. Consistent modeling and well-considered prompts from parents are essential for fostering these skills.

Modeling Self-Control in Challenging Situations

Maintaining self-control can be challenging for parents, especially when children are being difficult or refusing to listen. However, it is during these moments that parents must demonstrate calmness and model the behavior they wish to see in their children. Reacting with anger—such as yelling, threatening, or hitting—only reinforces negative patterns and models a lack of self-control. Instead, showing composure in stressful situations teaches children how to manage their own desires and frustrations effectively.

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