Boundaries with Kids
What is a Boundary?
Information adapted from Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Dr. Cloud and Townsend state that a “boundary is a property line that defines where one person ends and someone else begins.” When we are aware of our own boundaries and the boundaries of others, we know what is expected of us and of others. Each person is responsible for their own feelings, behaviors, and attitudes. This is important because a child must know and understand the three following things to begin using boundaries:
1) Where he/she begins
2) What do they need to take responsibility for
3) What they do not need to take responsibility for
When the boundaries are clear, and children understand them, they tend to develop some of the following characteristics:
1) Good understanding of self and identity
2) What they are accountable for
3) Skills to make informed & wise choices
4) Awareness that if they make good choices, things tend to go well, but if they make poor choices, they will have to face negative consequences
5) “Possibility for true love based on freedom.”
In helping our children learn and use boundaries, we as parents have three jobs: the guardian, the manager, and the source.
As guardians, we must provide our children with a safe environment and opportunities to learn and acquire knowledge and set and enforce those limits. As managers, we ensure that tasks are done, goals are met, and children take ownership of their boundaries. And as sources, we provide resources to help children to learn to be given and use responsibly what is given to them versus giving to them with no boundaries. Children who are given things without boundaries can become entitled, self-centered, and demanding. It could cause impulse control problems, addictions, or irresponsibility in the long run.
Why Kids Need Boundaries
A person’s character is fundamentally who they are and will be what aids or impedes them in the future. Additionally, the character is always formed in relationships with others and is created early in life. A goal of parenting is to raise children with a character that will help benefit them in the future. One way of doing that is through the use of boundaries.
We as humans do not come into the world with boundaries built in. We must see them modeled within our relationships and discipline, and then we internalize them.
Boundaries with Kids: Three Avenues of Influence
These avenues of influence are teaching, modeling, and helping your child to make their boundaries a part of who they are. It’s important that parents are aware they are modeling behavior and boundaries every time their child is with them, can see them, or hear them.
Dr. Cloud and Townsend tell us, “You and your child each have a different job here: The kid’s job is to test your resolve so that she can learn about reality. Your job is to withstand the test, including anger, pouting, tantrums, etc.”
The authors also include a general guideline for understanding the different boundaries that apply to different developmental levels for children:
Birth - 12 months: minimal boundaries.
1-3 years: learn to respond to "no" and understand their disobedience's consequences.
3-5 years: more able to understand the reasons for taking responsibility and the consequences, and can talk to you about it. They begin learning to treat people kindly, respond to authority, disagree respectfully, and do household chores. Typical consequences of this age include time out, loss of toys, TV, or fun activities.
6-11 years: boundaries revolve around balancing time at home, with friends, homework, goal orientation, and budgeting time and money. Typical consequences of this age include restrictions on friendships, freedoms, and home privileges.
12-18 years: parents move to a position of influence instead of control. Provide children with as many natural consequences as possible.
“Freedom comes from handling responsibility well; it is not a gift bequeathed by chronological age.”
Children lack the brain development required to reign in their difficult and out-of-line behaviors. This is where parents come in! Parents should be their children’s external boundary in that they correct, limit, and provide consequences until children get so comfortable with them that they no longer need a parent to provide that boundary because they provide it for themselves.
10 Principles of Boundaries that Kids Need to Know
1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping: Under this principle, parents are to give their children freedom (how much depends on age & maturity level), let them have choices, and manage consequences appropriately.
2. The Law of Responsibility: One sure sign of growing maturity is when children start to take responsibility for their own problems. The following is what kids need to be taking responsibility for emotions, behaviors, and experiences.
Emotions signal the state of our soul and determine the source of emotions and solve problems that led to them. Children are responsible for their own behaviors. Validate and acknowledge their feelings, and instruct them in better ways of dealing with them, like talking to a parent or a trusted friend. Give rewarding experiences by providing the appropriate repercussions for unwanted or inappropriate behavior and giving them a pat on the back and encouragement when they are taking more responsibility.
The ability to see and comprehend the difference between being unable to do something and not wanting or being scared to do something. Children should know they can ask for help when they need it, but only when it’s a problem that can’t be solved on their own.
3. The Law of Power: Children need to be able to be in charge of something to develop appropriate boundaries. The parent’s job is to slowly strengthen the child’s power over themself and reduce their efforts at trying to control other people. The child’s job is to develop that power over themself.
4. The Law of Respect: As parents, this law is important to self-reflect on. Don’t be hurtful to others. Respect when you hear “no” from others, and don’t punish them. Respect limits. Respect others’ uniqueness. Feel sad instead of mad when boundaries keep you from getting what you want.
5. The Law of Motivation: Provide children with a safe and loving environment. Keep an ongoing connection founded on love, empathy, patience, and understanding. Remember to love first and set limits second.
6. The Law of Evaluation: Distinguish Hurt vs Harm. Hurt is when a child feels sadness, wounded pride, or loss of something they value. Harm is when there is physical injury, judging, attacking, abandoning, or neglectful of needs. Growth involves pain, but not all pain produces growth. Be there for your child when growth happens.
7. The Law of Proactivity: Often, when kids are struggling, they respond immaturely or by pitching a fit to get what they want. Parents should help children develop their boundaries and limits and help them learn to stick with these boundaries they set for themselves. Kids should be allowed to respond to and complain about things they feel aren’t right for them, but keep in mind their reactions tend to be immature and don’t help solve the problem. Some examples of reactive behaviors: tantrums, whining, impulsivity, fighting, and violence.
8. The Law of Envy: One of the most destructive traits in children (or anyone really) is a feeling of entitlement—children feel that they are entitled to control, not follow the rules, and take what other people have. The best way to fight envy and entitlement is through gratitude. Gratitude comes from freely receiving things, not because we deserve them but because someone has graced us with them. Children must deal with enough frustration at not getting what they want to become grateful for what they do get. Parents must provide kids with two important things: gratification and frustration. To give children balance, you should try to gratify their needs and some of their wants but also frustrate some of their wants.
9. The Law of Activity: Kids need to understand that the solution to their problems and the answer to their problems always begins and ends with them, not someone else. In this, the parent’s job is to set limits and enforce the consequences of love. The child’s job is to repeatedly test the limits and learn about reality, relationships, and responsibility. This is how they will learn.
10. The Law of Exposure: Always actively communicate needs, wishes, desires, and feelings. Issues or conflicts can cause problems in relationships, and the only way to repair them is through honest and open communication. This is how your children will grow, by learning to communicate by example.